Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking forward to 2014

In the last few days of this year I have taken time to reflect on 2013.  I won’t say that it was a bust, because I love every day that I can smile and laugh with family.  In regards to weight loss however, 2013 was not my year. I am ending this year with my weight being very close to what it was at the beginning of the year.  After a couple of heavy food days last week, I was worried that I might top my all-time high.  Fortunately, I did not and as of Sunday weigh 391 pounds.  While I didn’t reach a new high, the number is still horribly gross and incredibly unhealthy.  I am determined to make great progress in 2014 with not only my weight loss but reducing my blood sugar levels as well.

Since my last post, I have started taking insulin injections.  My doctor did not reduce any of my oral medications and prescribed one night-time dose of Lantus (insulin).  Her instructions were to start with 10 units and repeat for three days. If after the third night, my morning blood sugar reading was not below 120, I was to increase the units of Lantus by 2 and continue increasing after every third day.  Without changing my eating habits, my dose is now 32 units and still climbing.  This is why my main focus of 2014 will be weight loss and managing my diabetes better. 

My weight has been holding me back for years and never more so than in 2013.  Over the last decade, I have slowly changed my habits and have reduced if not eliminated doing most of the things I used to enjoy.  For example, before I was married I would see every new movie release in the theater.  My husband was just as big as a movie buff as me.  When we started dating we were going to movies three or more times a week.  While he has went to several this year, I don’t think I stepped foot in a movie theater in 2013.  Why not?  Mostly, because I feel gross and do not want to be seen.  I feel like my size is a magnet for people’s attention and judging.  Which is fine, they have the right and I have the right to live my life and be in public.  I don’t have any feelings that I don’t deserve to do things or be in public, I just can hardly stand feeling that people look at me and think I am disgusting.  Sometimes, I don’t even feel comfortable driving around in my car in daylight.  I guess maybe the feeling I am trying to describe is shame.  I am ashamed of my weight and the first and most often only impression of me that it gives.  Because of this feeling, I don’t like leaving the house for much.  My husband does the shopping.  I go to work, one certain restaurant or to appointments.  Other than that, I avoid public places.  Because of my weight and the feelings I just described, I was the Grinch that stole Christmas this year.  I didn’t feel like traveling home to Idaho and sitting around like a big blob.  Sure, they’re family and they love me, but I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin this season.  Everything is more difficult away from home.  My mom was very upset, threatened to cancel Christmas, etc.  In the end, the family had a good time and my husband and I enjoyed a quieter holiday.  Still, next year has to be different.  I must start losing weight and taking back my life, before I have none.

Later this afternoon we have a small party at my sister’s.  I don’t really want to go, but one of her friend’s has some family in town that they want us to meet.  It should be a nice time and I will get to finish the year playing with my nephew one more time.  Tomorrow, my diet will change. 

May you all have a safe but fun New Year’s Eve.  Best wishes for a Happy New Year!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Starting Insulin soon

With only 50 days left, it’s safe to say that 2013 will not be the year of weight loss for me.  I just haven’t been able to get my act together this year.  Last month, I reached my all-time highest weight (again).  That’s 391 pounds for the record.  I’ve hit this number a couple of times now, but fortunately have not topped it and I don’t plan to.   I’ve been eating less over the last couple of weeks and my weight is back down to 382 lbs.  This is still at least seven pounds higher than my lowest weight this year.  Not good.  I want to make the best of the days left this year and take off at least ten more pounds before Christmas.  More would be better, but dropping even ten pounds would help me feel a bit better than I have been the last couple of months, which is sluggish.

Last week I met with my doctor for a follow up on my latest blood results.  One of the tests, the A1C measures the glucose in the blood over the last three months.  My doctor would like to see my number under 7.  My latest result was 9.8.   I am already on a ton of oral medications for my diabetes.  Bad eating and lack of exercise are working against the meds and now my doctor is prescribing a night-time dose of insulin.  I will meet with a nurse on Wednesday to go over how to inject the insulin. 

In the past, I didn’t want to start insulin and would fight my doctor’s recommendation.  I thought I could lower my numbers by dieting and eating less carbs.  The problem is that I never did it.  I should have started the insulin from the beginning.  It doesn’t help to dwell on the past or what I should have done (oh sure, that never happens); instead I need to focus on the present.  Changing my ways will take time.  I need to start somewhere and this week one thing I will work on is less evening snacking.  Instead of making a declaration that I will not snack at all this week, I will make a more realistic goal of only having an evening snack three times this week.  It’s a small step, but most importantly it is a doable step.

Other than starting insulin, nothing new is going on.  Work has been crazy and will continue to be so.  Fortunately, there is a restriction on overtime so I don’t have to sacrifice my home life for work. 

Hopefully when this week is done, I will have no regrets and will have made better food choices.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Not off to a good start

October is just about half way through.  How is time flying by so quickly?  Holy cow!  Unfortunately, I am not off to a good start for this month.  The bad news is that I have gained a couple of pounds and am now only three pounds away from my highest weight ever.  The good news is… well there isn’t any good news…yet.  I have been eating and feeling like crap.  I feel heavy and my back and knees hurt. I’m not one to get depressed, but have been feeling down.  The feelings are mostly around not losing weight sooner and not taking care of my diabetes sooner.  I have a lot of regrets due to my weight and most of the time I am fine letting them go and moving forward.  However, the longer I keep the weight on the more I am losing out of life.  I’m not having a pity party here, just mentioning how I am doing.  I know my weight represents the choices I have and continue to make.  I am the only one that can change things here, and one of these days I will. 

Speaking of Diabetes, I had blood work done on Friday and received the results via automatic email.  My A1C was 9.8.  That is the highest it has ever been and does not surprise me at all.  My doctor would prefer this number to be <7 and is sure to contact me soon to start insulin.  I have fought her on this for too long and will stop resisting.  I always thought I would control my blood sugar levels by diet, but that never happened.  I take a bunch of oral medications and now insulin is probably my only option left.  Gosh, I have been stupid. 

This post may sound negative and I didn’t really intend for that or for it too sound whiny.  I have been absent and the above kind of speaks to my mood and why I might not have had anything to post about.  My husband and I are determined to have a better week and will hopefully turn things around.  We have a menu plan for the week and have prepped some of the food.  If I actually eat the food we have instead of eating out it will be a successful week.

How is October working out for you?  Here’s to turning things around and finishing the month off strong! 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It's October already

Turning the page on the calendar and realizing that three quarters of the year have come and gone without my weight decreasing but a few pounds is depressing but nothing new.  It’s the same story, but different year.  Last month marked my fifteenth wedding anniversary and also the fifteenth year that I have weighed over 300 lbs.  The last few years, I have weighed closer to but never reaching 400 lbs.  This is not an accomplishment to be proud of; I’m just stating a fact.  Actually as far as weight and health are concerned, there is nothing to be proud of.  With diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, time is not on my side.  Fifteen years over 300 lbs and at least twenty years over 200 lbs is way too long and not doing me any favors.  We all know this already. 

It is way past time to get things rolling.  Never giving up, I will keep on trying.  Will this month prove to be a success or just more of the same?  Only time will tell for sure.  I don’t feel like spewing out all the hopes and promises that I will get on the ball.  I’m thinking it; just don’t want to blurt it out yet again.  One day, one meal at a time I will try to make the right choices.

Since it is now October, my daily goal for walking steps will be increased to 3000.  This will be a struggle.  I didn’t meet by 2500 steps/day goal for most days last week.  I will make more of an effort this week/month.  

That's all I've got today.  Have a great week and start to October.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Hiatus is over

My vacation last week was so relaxing and just what I needed.  The only thing is that now I want more time off.  We started out by taking a short trip over to Idaho to see family.  We stayed with my mom and although I ate more than I wanted too, it was less than I had on any previous trip.  Mom had a honey-do list filled with all things electronic for my husband to take care of.  He was very patient and took care of all of them.  We had a great time and I think mom really enjoyed having us there.

After returning from Idaho we still had half the week left to relax at home…and that is just what we did.  Thursday night I came down with a bout of food poisoning and that fun was experienced for a couple of days after.  Fortunately, I was feeling well enough on Sunday to have some fun celebrating my husband’s birthday.  We spent some time at the casino (broke even) and went out to dinner with my sister and her family.  After not eating much the previous days, I overate that day, including cherry chip birthday cake and paid for it that evening.

Back to work and back to the routine.  That’s a problem.  The routine, if you recall, includes eating out and carrying fast food in.  The routine needs to change.  

Have any of you ever worked with a Life Coach?  If so, did you work on career or personal items? I’d be interested in hearing your experiences (  I’m considering it but trying to decide if I want to spend the moolah.

Hope you're doing well.