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Monday, June 10, 2013

Silence = weight gain



When a blogger goes silent for days or weeks at a time it often means they are off track.  This is true for me.  My eating has been out of control over the last two weeks and I am now at my all-time highest weight.  I am embarrassed and mostly ashamed.  Yesterday morning I weighed 391 pounds.  That is too damn close to 400 lbs, a weight I promised myself I would never reach.  You know, after I promised that I wouldn't reach 300 lbs, right before I promised I wouldn't let myself get to 200 lbs.

391 pounds hurts…everywhere.  I feel swollen all over from my bulging belly, puffy fingers, knees, twice-their-size ankles and feet.  My lower back and knees hurt the most, especially the left knee.  Basically, I am one big fat hot mess.

I’m stuck in a rut.  The same rut that I have been unable to crawl out of for decades.  Maybe I have been waiting for someone to throw me a rope and help me climb out.  I know it doesn’t work that way.  No one can lose the weight for me, but me.  I know this, really I do.  I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to motivate myself enough to eat right and lose weight.  Some might say that I don’t want to lose weight or that I am not ready to make the hard choices it takes to lose weight.  All of this may or may not matter, but my concentration should not be on trying to figure it out.  That’s not to say that I won’t have a few posts coming where I discuss some of my perceived roadblocks.  My focus should be on moving forward. My focus should be on moving forward.  My focus should be on moving forward.  I sound like a broken record.

I’ve said all this before.  I’ve said that I won’t quit and I’ll never give up.  Talk is cheap.  No one likes to keep hearing/reading the same excuses and promises time after time and that’s what I feel like I am dishing out.  Arrrgh.  Even, I am tired of hearing this crap. So that’s enough about that.  I wanted to explain why I haven’t been blogging.   I’ve been gaining weight instead of losing and didn’t feel like I had anything worthwhile to share, but I have been reading and commenting here and there.

While I doubt that I will start posting daily, I will be around more than I have been.  Whether they are good, bad or really ugly, I will post my weekly weigh-ins.  391 pounds is the top and where I stop gaining.  It has to be. 

So that’s where I am right now.  Better news next time.

21 comments:

  1. I'm going to ask you to read one or two books:

    Wheat Belly (by Dr. Davis)
    The End of Overeating (by Dr. David Kessler)

    I read them in that order, so I recommend them in that order. Please just do me this favor. If you can only read one book, read the 2nd one.

    I think it might really change your entire outlook, and frankly, I think that's what you need. They will teach you how and why grains are so evil, and how they affect your cravings, and how corporations KNOW this and purposely mix sugar-fat-salt together to make us crave/buy/buy. They are like drug dealers. Seriously. You need to get yourself to the point where grains and sugars seem nasty and toxic. It's the only way I found to finally break free of the addictions, and start to get healthy.

    I wish you luck. I know how miserable obesity and failing health because of it...can be.

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  2. I've seen those books mentioned on your blog and have been meaning to check them out. I'll start Wheat Belly this week. Not only my weight, but I also need to work on lowering my blood sugar and removing wheat and grains can only help. Thanks for the suggestion Gwen.

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  3. Oh, my heart goes out to you. If you don't mind, I'm going to be lifting you up in prayer this week, that you'd be given the strength that you need to succeed and that you'd feel some peace despite feeling like things are out of control. (hugs)

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    1. I'll take all the help I can get! Thank you Erica.

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  4. I have diabetes on my dad's side...and was pre-diabetic. 90's to 100. After 2 months of being grain-free, my fasting blood sugar at my annual physical was 78! Yes, it will definitely help your blood sugar. In amazing ways. The books talk about that, too. At length. :)

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  5. *hugs* The best thing you can learn now is how to try again. Quitting is the only real failure. Sometimes, you just have to figure out a different path. In the end it will come down to you and what you choose, and that is a lot of responsibility to think about - but you have the chance to start over and get it right, right now. This very moment. You can finish out the day better than you started it, and wake up tomorrow feeling better than you did the day before. You can wake up every day feeling better than you did the day before - pretty neat option to have, and it's 100% in your power, under your own control. Maybe it doesn't have to be about the number, or losing weight at a certain rate. Maybe the goal should be just to wake up feeling better?

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    1. Thanks Kyra and I really like that goal. Waking up and knowing that I did right by myself the day for is a good feeling. A feeling I would like more often.

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  6. Hi, and I totally understand what you are doing said Dr. Phil. Do you understand what you're doing? What is it (inside your head) that instructs you to overeat and what is it in response to? Is it past trauma? Present drama? What are your emotions before you start overeating? Happy, sad, depressed, angry? (Yeah...I'm a Dr. Phil fan) I really think that many of us (including myself) need to figure out what's going on in our head before we can fix our body. I grew up with a morbidly obese mom who used food to cope with, and for every single emotion. She refused to seek behavioral counseling because of the sigma attached to it and her own traumatic childhood. So she ate. She was very unhappy. It's too late for her. She died in 2001 weighing well over 300 pounds. Her casket cost nearly 1000 dollars more because of the size. It's not too late for you. Here is wishing you only the best in your decision making process.

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    1. Good thoughts Marc, thank you. I don't have any past trauma or present drama. Need to keep searching and I will. Sadly, I often think about what would happen if my husband or I were to pass right now and the extra costs involved due to our size. Lots of work to be done, mind and matter.

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  7. Oh Roxy, so sorry you've had a rough two weeks. I wish there was some way I could get you motivated, but like you said, no one can make you lose the weight but yourself.

    You can always email me to vent! mybizzykitchen@gmail.com, or if you need some cheerleading!

    Sending big hugs your way! :D

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    1. Oh Biz, you and this 'Roxy'. My real name is white trash name and whenever there is a drugged out prostitute on film, her name is my name. I can't imagine Roxy would be any different, so no harm. Thanks for the support (& hugs) and don't be surprised when you get an email with my venting.

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    2. Well, I prefer calling your Roxy than Roly! :D Hugs!

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  8. I hope this week is better for you! Good luck with everything. I'm a big believer of taking it day by day, moment by moment so I feel less overwhelmed.

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    1. Thank you Grace! Seriously, I do need to take it moment by moment and really slow down the decision making when it comes to food.

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  9. I'm so sorry you've been struggling! And I do understand the feelings of embarrassment and shame--been there a few times--and I know it's misplaced. Still doesn't stop the feelings, does it?

    One of the things that helped/helps me is to think of all the "right" things to do that are also "easy" things to do. For me, that's eating fruits and veggies, getting in at least 30 minutes of exercise, etc. Then I focus on getting the easy parts right before starting to add in some of the more problematic stuff.

    You can do this. You might not know how just yet, but you will figure out the right path!

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  10. My heart also goes out to you! As many others have said, take it one moment at a time. I also wanted to ask if you are seeing a Doctor - mainly about the blood sugars and figuring out what food can help stabilize them. I know my late husband (who was diabetic - so is my son) was not able to think clearly when his blood sugars were not stable and so it makes it harder. We are all cheering for you!

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  11. I think you should keep blogging every day. Don't write about your weight, write about something that makes you feel good. When you feel good it's easier to lose weight. We all have had bad times, you can get through this and move on to better times.

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  12. I totally feel your pain and I am so very sorry that you are having a hard time right now.

    When I experienced those times (and I did), I often made two lists. One listed all the reasons I knew I had to get back on track and the other list had all the reasons/excuses I was struggling.

    Take some small steps toward your goal every day. If you want to eat fewer calories, commit to eating smaller portions of your favorite foods. Over time those small steps really will add up to huge changes.

    You totally can do this. Is it easy? No. But it is possible.

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  13. Don't be too hard on yourself, keep trying and you will succeed sooner or later.

    I think I mentioned it here too but I think you wanted too much and that's how you failed. I think I adviced you to take one step at a time and I still recommend that. Try to get rid of one bad eating habit first and then move on to the next.

    You can do it and I know you will.

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  14. You ALWAYS have something worthwhile to share. It doesn't matter if you think your next 30 posts are all about excuses, whining, complaining or lack of motivation. Who knows who you could be reaching. Probably me, going through the same thing you are. This is a brave thing you're doing and you should be proud of yourself. You should even be proud of the bumps in the road, because that means you still care, you're still trying, and you haven't given up. I'll be praying for you. YOU CAN DO THIS.

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  15. I've been there many times. I used to think that much of my overating was due to inner turmoil that I didn't figure out yet but when I stopped eating sugar and grains cold turkey, the overeating and out of control cravings stopped. Turns out it wasn't so much me as it was what I was eating. I took Gwen's advice and read the End of Overeating and it helped alot. I still have the book and would be glad to mail it to you for free if you'd like; just comment me back and we'll work out the details if you're interested. I also agree that you should blog everyday - not weight-related stuff, just kind of journaling or whatever. It also helps me when I focus on just a couple things that I did right each day, no matter how small.

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