Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking forward to 2014

In the last few days of this year I have taken time to reflect on 2013.  I won’t say that it was a bust, because I love every day that I can smile and laugh with family.  In regards to weight loss however, 2013 was not my year. I am ending this year with my weight being very close to what it was at the beginning of the year.  After a couple of heavy food days last week, I was worried that I might top my all-time high.  Fortunately, I did not and as of Sunday weigh 391 pounds.  While I didn’t reach a new high, the number is still horribly gross and incredibly unhealthy.  I am determined to make great progress in 2014 with not only my weight loss but reducing my blood sugar levels as well.

Since my last post, I have started taking insulin injections.  My doctor did not reduce any of my oral medications and prescribed one night-time dose of Lantus (insulin).  Her instructions were to start with 10 units and repeat for three days. If after the third night, my morning blood sugar reading was not below 120, I was to increase the units of Lantus by 2 and continue increasing after every third day.  Without changing my eating habits, my dose is now 32 units and still climbing.  This is why my main focus of 2014 will be weight loss and managing my diabetes better. 

My weight has been holding me back for years and never more so than in 2013.  Over the last decade, I have slowly changed my habits and have reduced if not eliminated doing most of the things I used to enjoy.  For example, before I was married I would see every new movie release in the theater.  My husband was just as big as a movie buff as me.  When we started dating we were going to movies three or more times a week.  While he has went to several this year, I don’t think I stepped foot in a movie theater in 2013.  Why not?  Mostly, because I feel gross and do not want to be seen.  I feel like my size is a magnet for people’s attention and judging.  Which is fine, they have the right and I have the right to live my life and be in public.  I don’t have any feelings that I don’t deserve to do things or be in public, I just can hardly stand feeling that people look at me and think I am disgusting.  Sometimes, I don’t even feel comfortable driving around in my car in daylight.  I guess maybe the feeling I am trying to describe is shame.  I am ashamed of my weight and the first and most often only impression of me that it gives.  Because of this feeling, I don’t like leaving the house for much.  My husband does the shopping.  I go to work, one certain restaurant or to appointments.  Other than that, I avoid public places.  Because of my weight and the feelings I just described, I was the Grinch that stole Christmas this year.  I didn’t feel like traveling home to Idaho and sitting around like a big blob.  Sure, they’re family and they love me, but I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin this season.  Everything is more difficult away from home.  My mom was very upset, threatened to cancel Christmas, etc.  In the end, the family had a good time and my husband and I enjoyed a quieter holiday.  Still, next year has to be different.  I must start losing weight and taking back my life, before I have none.

Later this afternoon we have a small party at my sister’s.  I don’t really want to go, but one of her friend’s has some family in town that they want us to meet.  It should be a nice time and I will get to finish the year playing with my nephew one more time.  Tomorrow, my diet will change. 

May you all have a safe but fun New Year’s Eve.  Best wishes for a Happy New Year!


  1. Good to see you are back blogging. For your own sake your diet MUST change not will MUST. I am repeating what I said in an earlier post I do hope it may help you.

    "Insulin may help you to achieve better blood glucose numbers but may also increase your weight.Which will probably lead to increased insulin resistance, and the continuance of the vicious circle.

    Insulin is often referred to by biochemists as the fat building hormone. In fact, the body cannot make body fat without insulin. It is very unusual to find an overweight individual who doesn’t also have elevated insulin levels. Type 2 diabetics, at diagnosis, will often be overproducing insulin.
    Insulin also inhibits the body’s use of stored fat as a source of fuel. Lowering insulin levels is extremely important, perhaps essential, for weight loss to succeed. This is one reason why low carb diets are particularly successful in weight loss since the fewer the carbs, the less insulin is required. Some may also find that they consume fewer calories without feeling hungry because their fat metabolism begins to work properly once more, allowing the body access to energy reserves in fat stores which were previously inaccessible."

    Please check out our website which I hope you will find helpful.

    Kind regards


  2. Oh man... you are choosing to punish yourself and not live your life because of your weight. That's NEVER ok, not for you or the people who love you. You're here. You have the right to be here, to experience, to live. You need to start living more than you even need to start losing weight. It's important, but it cannot be the reason you're allowed to go outside again. The two are NOT connected, and the shame needs to stop too. You don't deserve to treat yourself this way - criminals in prisons are treated better than that. *hugs*

    Don't do this to yourself, start living. Today, this very moment.

    1. I was thinking this same thing, but Kyra said it first and more eloquently. Live your life. Loving who you are and doing things you want will help you lose weight. Some people are mean queen b's, and I get how you don't want to face them, but you also have people on your team. Don't forget that. People, in general, don't care what you look like and hope you are caring about yourself. Other people--well, they are messed up internally--psycho cases. ;-) Happy new year to you. If there is any way I can help you, just let me know. :D

    2. But she is physically exhausted and physically uncomfortable (i.e., I think she means she can't sit comfortably in movie theater seats, for example...I am sure getting in and out of a vehicle is a struggle, etc.) -- her size and poor health and lack of energy and impeded mobility limit what activities she can participate in even more than her embarrassment at being seen does (this is how *I* read it, anyway) -- and yeah, I am sure she gets looks from people (we're numb to 200 pound women and 300 pound men now, but get over the 350# mark and you are going to attract raised eyebrows and surprised looks). On another note, Losing the watched your insulin dose triple over the last four weeks and did nothing about your diet to stem the tide...that's concerning. Is counseling an option?

  3. I wish you great success in changing your life, Roly! If there's anything I can do to help, please know that I'm only an email away. (I'm not a nutritionist or coach, but I do have strong shoulders.)

    I do understand the discomfort your feeling with being around others. (I know now that it's misplaced--people love you for YOU--but I didn't know it when I was 250 pounds.) But it's definitely a positive that you're aware of the changes your weight has made to your quality of life.

    Now, get busy. :)

  4. I am in total agreement with Kyra, don't do this to yourself. You are worth it every moment, every time, etc. Just as she stated, start living today, every minute.

    There is so much to enjoy, to experience. Lets do this together.
    What do ya think?

    Many hugs,

  5. this makes me sad, because I too felt the same way. Sometimes looking at how much weight we have to lose seems insurmountable, looking at a whole year of 'doing the right thing' seems insurmountable, or walking out the door, knowing you will be judged for how you look seems insurmountable -- but all things are mountable (hee hee, sick humor getting in the way of serious post here) anyhoo -- take it pound by pound, day by day (or hour by hour if you have to) and each step you take in the healthier direction will be step closer to your goal! As far as needing to go onto insulin along with your oral meds, I am sorry. At this point it's essential to add exercise along with a low carb lifestyle -- hopefully you'll be able to get off the insulin quickly (sometimes just a 20% reduction in weight is all that's needed)....exercise doesn't mean you need to get out of the house (until you're ready -- I still can't imagine going to a gym and I'm getting much closer to my goal) - if you can swing it, get a treadmill or elliptical, or just do your steps for a certain period of time and build up from there -- even it's a minute the first day --- YOU CAN DO THIS.

  6. oh and treat yourself -- you could do something nice for yourself for every time you increase your exercise time by 10 minutes or something -- I would stay away from treating yourself for weight loss itself, but treating yourself for making lifestyle changes -- say you start out with a goal of 5 minutes of exercise a day for three days a week and you keep to that goal for two weeks, buy yourself a new song on I-tunes, maybe after a month of keeping to your food plan you get a pretty scarf -- but attaching your prizes to lifestyle choices is ultimately more rewarding and doable than attaching prizes to actual weight can do that later after you've seen some successes....Wow, I'm really bossy :D Just find what works for you

  7. Roly, so glad to see you back! I echo everything said above. You are a special person...and you need to start taking care of you. Screw what anyone else may or may not have to start taking care of yourself. Just one day at a time. Make little changes at first...let the big ones come later when you have some success and consistency under your belt. We ALL care!

  8. All the best in 2014 for you and yours!

  9. Nothing in life that is worth doing is easy but I so urge you to start the New Year with reducing your carbohydrate intake. Your diet needs to change and I think deep down you know this.

    We all need to feel good and comfortable with ourselves, we all have highs and lows in life. Life is for living take it in two hands and make the change for 2014. Small changes lead to bigger changes but the steps you take and the path you choose is in your hands. Everyone reading you blog is on your side.

    Please go for it this year and reduce your weight. You will smile and we will be smiling with you.

    Take care and all the very best Jan

  10. Hi again 'Roly' I've just commented but also want to add. We are all on your side here and we want you to be and feel happy.

    Please have a look at or Franziska Spritzler low carb dietitian blog I feel sure you will find it helpful


    All the best Jan

  11. Oh, you are breaking my heart here! I hope you will seriously consider trying to love yourself just as you are RIGHT NOW. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Trying to find some peace within yourself as you go along the journey will help you take care of yourself. You are a wonderful person RIGHT NOW. You deserve care and love, especially from yourself. I am so sorry that you feel so bad that you don't want to go out in public. Where do you feel joy? Whatever gives you joy, I hope you will do that. Joy helps hope exist...I wish you both!

  12. Hang in there Roly... Everyone else has already jumped in w/great advice; please know that we are all here to support you.

  13. Hey Roly!! I am so behind on my blog commenting. Sorry about that. I wish I lived closer - you are I would be the best walking buddies!

    And for the record - I take 30 units of Lantus at night - so 32 isn't that high. My blood sugar this morning was 119. It's weird - when I was eating less carbs my blood sugars were all over the map - seems I know how to control my diabetes when carbs are involved. Having the sugars is a bitch, but once you have it under control, you'll feel better.


  14. Losing weight has always been harder than gaining it. First, I would suggest that you don't feel the slightest shame in having weight issues. At least you are honestly trying to lose weight with your own effort. Second is that one of the most reliable ways to lose weight is through exercise. If going out is a problem, then getting a personal trainer in to help you in the comforts of your home is advisable.

    Karla Gaudette