Not there yet, but getting closer

So far my week has not been the great recovery week that I had hoped for, but  I am closer to being on track.  Even with some food choice struggles as I fight myself to do the right thing and not always doing the right thing, I'm okay with that.  I'm not stuffing my face and making wrong decision after wrong decision as I had done this past weekend.  Still, I can do better.  I need to do better. 

When I think about my actions this last weekend, I am disappointed with myself.  I reacted badly to seeing an unexpected weight gain.  Most of my reaction was based on fear and instead of doing what would help the situation, I did the opposite.  I know all this and I want to stop this behavior but I still worry whether I can or if I will.  That being said, I don't want to dwell on it.  I won't ignore it and I'll still be aware of it, but I want to move forward.  Like many of you have pointed out, there will be bumps along the journey.  This was a bump that I made bigger than it needed to be. 

My plan is to keep trying each day to get back to a place I was a couple of weeks ago.  I need to eat most meals at home, stop snacking or at least stop having sugary snacks, drink more water and move this big body more.  Tonight will be the first time that I have cooked a meal since my husband returned home from his trip.  He returned on August 9th, so that means that I reverted back to my old ways.  Meaning, I haven't been cooking and either he cooks or we dine out.  For change to happen, I need to make it happen.  It will be a simple meal of roasted butternut squash, spinach and salmon, but I know my husband will appreciate it.  The challenge will be cooking another meal soon.  I've got to do it though.  I need to share responsibility.  The more help I can be, then the less we will eat out.  That's what we need the most right now.  Healthier meals cooked at home will provide us with more energy, a better feeling about ourselves and probably much more.

It feels like this post is a jumbled mess.  Sorry, writing is not my strongest skill.  The point to all this is that I'm not quite back on track, but I'm almost there.  I'm moving forward.  Before I go, I just want to thank you all for stopping by and for all the wonderful encouragement you have given me.  For all of you that have traveled here from the help of Biz, thank you so much for your kind words and pieces of wisdom gained from your own experiences.  I love this blogging community and send you all great big hugs!

How Three Bad Days Wreck 3 Good Weeks

The last three days were filled with bad decision after bad decision.  The first of which was stepping on the scale Friday morning for a status check.  Even though I had eaten out Wednesday night, I thought I might still be down a pound or two from last Sunday's weight.  That was not the case, in fact the scale showed a five pound increase.  I was upset.  Maybe a bit more than upset as I sat at the kitchen table for what seemed like forever as I tried to hold back tears.  I didn't want to cry over the scale, but I was wrecked.  Mostly, I was afraid of my slow metabolism and worried that it would be impossible to lose any weight. 

Even though I knew better, I let the scale effect my actions negatively.  I knew I should stick to my plan and eat within my calorie budget while continuing to work on making  healthier food choices.  I knew that was the smart thing to do, the correct thing to do.  I did the complete opposite of that.  For seventy-two hours plus, I ignored my better judgment.  Knowingly, I screwed up over and over again.  I ate a lot of doughnuts, a lot of ice-cream, burgers and fries, and three orders of Olive Garden's Chicken Parmesan with Fettuccine Alfredo.   That five pound increase that I was devastated over on Friday morning is now much more.  

My first inclination was to hide my  shame and stay away from this blog.  Like I have done many times before, I thought I would disappear for a while.  The problem with that is then I would not have the accountability that I need.  when I am in hiding, then only I know whether I am continuing to stuff my face or if I am on the right track.  When I am in hiding it is too easy to continue making bad decisions day after day while repeating the 'I will do better and start fresh tomorrow' cycle. 

Needing to end this self-destructive behavior, I am not sticking my head in the sand.  I'm here with all my flaws and mistakes exposed.  I've weighed over 300 lbs for sixteen years and over 360 lbs for at least six years.   I have had many weekends that were similar to this past one.  Yesterday morning I weighed 390 lbs and that was only two days in to my three day food fest.  I was too afraid to face the scale this morning and won't do so again until at least next Sunday. I have gained in three days most if not all what I had lost in three weeks.   I'm not expecting to lose all that I have regained in just one week, or two for that matter, but I hope to make some progress.

Today, I will return to tracking my calories and making better choices.  I wish I could say that I will never have a weekend like this again, but I'm not yet sure how to stop myself.  I will spend some time reflecting on the decisions that I have made and keep trying to improve. 

Bring Back the Sun

This will be a quick post tonight.  I wanted to check in and let you know that I am still plugging away.  My eating so far this week has been okay.  It hasn't been quite as good as the previous week, but still have been eating within my calorie budget and tracking everything.  Tonight however, I exceeded my budget by just under 300 calories as we stopped to eat on the way home from work.  I definitely could have made some better choices, but overall not disappointed.  This was the first time we dined out since he returned home five days ago.  That is probably some sort of record for us.  My plan is to not eat out the rest of the week and I know we can follow through with it.  I am motivated to finish this week strong.

Something else that I would like to do this week is purposely move more.    By that, I mean I want to get up from my desk or wherever and take short walks in an effort to get more activity.  Also, I want to use the treadmill at least once.  I'm probably thirty pounds over the maximum weight limit, but I'll risk it.  Even if I can only do five minutes the first time, I want that first time to happen before this Sunday.  This is the week I stop talking about moving more and I actually do it.  Putting it down in writing here will help me stick to it.

Hope your having a great week and it finishes well.  Thanks for all the support!

Focusing on the Positive

This morning I weighed in for two reasons, one being that Sunday is my chosen weigh-in day and secondly because hubby and I both wanted to see how we had done while he was away on business travel.  I'm both happy and not so happy about the number I saw on the scale.  I weighed in today at 383 lbs, which is one pound less than last Sunday.  I was wishing and kind of expecting more of a loss, like at least two pounds.  While I am worried that my weight loss is going to be way slower than I want, the truth is that this is just the result of one week and it's way to early to become discouraged especially after following an eight pound loss the previous week.  Looking at the positive side, I did lose twelve pounds over the sixteen days my husband was away. 

For me, the I-don't-cook gal, the twelve pounds is a fantastic success.  The result is entirely contributed to me hunkering down and cooking for myself.  Only one time, and that was the second day in, did I eat a meal that I did not prepare myself.   I think my husband is in shock over this fact and of course, now he wants to know when I will be cooking for him. 

Worried (big time worried) that we might revert to our bad eating habits once he returned, I had groceries delivered yesterday with meal ideas in mind for the whole week.  Some of the meals will have leftovers that we can either enjoy at lunchtime or save ourselves some mid-week cooking.  Buying the food and having a soft plan in place is only part of the battle.   Actually cooking and eating the food after a long work day rather than stopping at our regular restaurant will take some strength.  There are sure to be many inner dialogue battles waged this week as I work to keep myself on track. 

Today, we're taking it easy so that he can rest his body.  We're also waiting for his luggage to be delivered.  His first plane was late to arrive in Seoul, so he had to hustle to his connecting flight.  He made it, but his bag was not so lucky.  It's good to have him home again, real good.

Hope you all have a great week.  Thanks again for all of the wonderful support.

Not a good reason to swing by the drive-thru

A couple of nights this week  all I could do was think about stopping at McDonald's on the way home from work.  I wasn't necessarily craving their food but it did sound familiar and  appealing.  I didn't feel like cooking and was less in the mood to do dishes afterwards.  That was the big draw.  As I have mentioned many times, I have not been in the habit of cooking.   Meaning, I don't cook...ever.   Either my husband cooks or we eat out.  We eat out a lot.  However, when he travels for business, maybe a few times a year I am left to find my own food.  On past trips, I would eat out maybe half as much as I would cook.  This trip, however I decided to use the time to start working on changing my eating habits.  That meant I would need to cook and I have been.  It can be a lot of work though and after a hard day, it would be much easier to swing by the drive thru, eat the food and then toss the food packaging in the garbage.  My drive home  took about an hour and I was debating the issue the whole way.  Should I or shouldn't I?  In the end, I decided not to eat out.  Hooray! One of my main concerns was the sodium, I could use less of it and that place is a salt bomb.  Also, knowing that it is going to be challenging to avoid falling back in to my old habits once my husband returns, I wanted to push through and finish the week strong.  I'll say it again...Hooray!

My husband returns Saturday afternoon and I can hardly wait. Sure having the house to myself and doing what I want, when I want is nice, but after two weeks, I am craving our routine and having him near for instant conversations.  Since we work together, seriously his desk is one cubicle aisle over and I can hear him sneeze or  talk to his co-workers, I am hardly apart from the man.  We are two peas in a pod.  A one-pea pod is just not right folks, it's just not. 

While I am looking forward to his return, I am also concerned.  Will we start eating out again?  Will I ask him

to pick up a red-velvet cupcake or two from our favorite cupcake shop?  I've been tracking my calories for over sixteen days straight now.  Will I continue or will we have a blow-out that I don't want to record and then I will stop?  I don't know what will happen, but all I can do is take it one day or one meal at a time and keep fighting.  I say fighting, because it will likely be the internal struggle that is most difficult.  A struggle with myself where I keep thinking should I or shouldn't I? 

Tomorrow is Friday and I plan to stay on track my last day alone.  If I am successful and I believe I will be, then I will have only eaten one meal prepared outside the home (Taco Time) since he left July 25th.  That should give me sweet dreams tonight.   Hope you  all have a great Friday too.

Wash, Rinse and Repeat

Maybe I don't need to shampoo twice, but instead repeat my efforts from last week as they pertain to cooking and tracking my calories.  While my husband is out of town, I had to fend for myself.  Since I don't usually do the cooking, it was a big challenge to not eat out every day of the week.  You might consider it a tiny miracle (I know I do), but I have cooked all my meals except one since he flew the coop a week ago Friday.  Did I enjoy cooking?  Sometimes.  Am I looking forward to doing it for another week?  Not really.  Was it worth it?  Yes!  I weighed in yesterday, as Sunday is my designated official weigh-in day, and saw a lower number than the previous Sunday.  Moving in the right direction finally, I weighed 384 lbs for a loss of 8 lbs for the week. 

Tracking my calories and preparing my meals at home is a big improvement from my usual eating habits.  Even though I am not eating out, I have had a couple of days where I chose to have a huge sweet treat.  I knew what I was doing going in, but I also know that this behavior can get carried away quickly and is something I need to avoid in order to continue losing weight.    These treats were on 'buddy' nights with my sister.  She comes over two or three nights a week to watch reality programs with my husband and I, since my brother-in-law doesn't watch those types of shows.  We keep saying that we don't need snacks, but yet we indulge.  She will be out of town until Sunday, so it shouldn't be an issue the rest of this week.  However, I need to plan ahead and either have healthier snacks ready on Sunday or commit to not having a snack.  Just as I am writing this, I think to myself 'but it will be the first buddy night since hubby is back home, maybe we will want a treat'.  This just goes to show, I am still a work in progress.

This week my plan is to keep cooking, keep tracking, drink more water and take-in less sodium.  Accomplishing those items will score a win for the week.  Exercise or at least more movement in the form of walking is also needed.  Even a slight increase, since that is all I can probably manage, will go a long way in helping the back pain, overall stiffness and flexibility.  That's my plan, now it's time to go do and make it happen.

How did you do last week?  Any change in plans this week?  I appreciate all your comments.  I feel like were on the same team and supporting each other brings out the best in all of us.  Have a great Monday (you know, if that's possible).

Sliced my finger cleaning the cheese grater

As I mentioned in my last post, my goal is to consume between 1500-1800 calories per day.  Over the last seven days, I have tracked my food consumption with myfitnesspal.com and have succeeded at staying within my calorie budget for five of the seven days.  That’s okay, but I can do better.  I will do better.  I will aim to stay within my budget every day, but if once in a while I go over, I won’t cry about it.  Or, I hope I don't cry about it. I will move on.  Since I am trying to lose weight, staying within my budget more often than not will determine how successful I am at taking off the pounds.  I would prefer not to go over my calorie budget more than once a week and really not more than twice a month.  Thank goodness today is the start of a new month, or I would be in trouble having already gone over my daily calorie limit twice.  Well, I will chalk that up to a learning experience as I am just beginning to track my calories. 

Even though I went over my limit a couple of times, I still think I am doing well...for me.  A positive worth mentioning is that I have only had one meal that was prepared outside the home (Taco Time) since my husband has been out of town.  Normally, at least 50% or more of my meals are take-out/dining out.  I've mentioned several times before that I do not cook.  Either my husband does the cooking or we will eat out.  Which means we eat out a lot.  In order for us both to succeed at weight loss, I need to do my part and start cooking.  For some reason, I do cook (and do dishes hence the title of this post) when he is not here.  Here are some of the meals that I prepared for dinner this week:

Potatoes, Eggs and Bacon

Turkey and Bean Tostada

Chicken, Cottage Cheese and Butternut Squash

Mushroom, Spinach and Cheese Omelet

Salmon, Butternut Squash and Spinach

I have enjoyed every meal and I am happy to report that I didn't overcook my meats like I did with the chicken a few weeks ago .  Both the chicken and salmon were moist.  Score!  I'm preparing my breakfast and lunches too.  I even had a salad.  The shock!  I need to improve with these meals, as I am having some foods that are not as healthy as I would prefer (bagel, cream cheese, granola).  Finding healthier options and cutting out the processed foods will happen over time.  For now, my goal is to stick to the calorie budget, whether the food is good, bad or ugly.   Convenience and likability will play a big part as I am starting out.  Hopefully the choices I make are still better than if I were eating fast food. 

My husband will be out of town until next Saturday.  That means I will fend for myself for another eight days.  I know it takes longer than two weeks to change your habits, but I hope that once he returns, I will start helping with the cooking.  That's a big wait and see though.  For now, all I can say is that I want to lose weight and to do so, I have to help with the cooking.  If I am serious about this, then I will.

It's Friday!  Hope you all have a great weekend.