The last three days were filled with bad decision after bad decision. The first of which was stepping on the scale Friday morning for a status check. Even though I had eaten out Wednesday night, I thought I might still be down a pound or two from last Sunday's weight. That was not the case, in fact the scale showed a five pound increase. I was upset. Maybe a bit more than upset as I sat at the kitchen table for what seemed like forever as I tried to hold back tears. I didn't want to cry over the scale, but I was wrecked. Mostly, I was afraid of my slow metabolism and worried that it would be impossible to lose any weight.
Even though I knew better, I let the scale effect my actions negatively. I knew I should stick to my plan and eat within my calorie budget while continuing to work on making healthier food choices. I knew that was the smart thing to do, the correct thing to do. I did the complete opposite of that. For seventy-two hours plus, I ignored my better judgment. Knowingly, I screwed up over and over again. I ate a lot of doughnuts, a lot of ice-cream, burgers and fries, and three orders of Olive Garden's Chicken Parmesan with Fettuccine Alfredo. That five pound increase that I was devastated over on Friday morning is now much more.
My first inclination was to hide my shame and stay away from this blog. Like I have done many times before, I thought I would disappear for a while. The problem with that is then I would not have the accountability that I need. when I am in hiding, then only I know whether I am continuing to stuff my face or if I am on the right track. When I am in hiding it is too easy to continue making bad decisions day after day while repeating the 'I will do better and start fresh tomorrow' cycle.
Needing to end this self-destructive behavior, I am not sticking my head in the sand. I'm here with all my flaws and mistakes exposed. I've weighed over 300 lbs for sixteen years and over 360 lbs for at least six years. I have had many weekends that were similar to this past one. Yesterday morning I weighed 390 lbs and that was only two days in to my three day food fest. I was too afraid to face the scale this morning and won't do so again until at least next Sunday. I have gained in three days most if not all what I had lost in three weeks. I'm not expecting to lose all that I have regained in just one week, or two for that matter, but I hope to make some progress.
Today, I will return to tracking my calories and making better choices. I wish I could say that I will never have a weekend like this again, but I'm not yet sure how to stop myself. I will spend some time reflecting on the decisions that I have made and keep trying to improve.