The last three days
were filled with bad decision after bad decision. The first of which was stepping on the scale
Friday morning for a status check. Even
though I had eaten out Wednesday night, I thought I might still be down a pound
or two from last Sunday's weight. That
was not the case, in fact the scale showed a five pound increase. I was upset.
Maybe a bit more than upset as I sat at the kitchen table for what
seemed like forever as I tried to hold back tears. I didn't want to cry over the scale, but I
was wrecked. Mostly, I was afraid of my
slow metabolism and worried that it would be impossible to lose any
weight.
Even though I knew
better, I let the scale effect my actions negatively. I knew I should stick to my plan and eat
within my calorie budget while continuing to work on making healthier food choices. I knew that was the smart thing to do, the
correct thing to do. I did the complete
opposite of that. For seventy-two hours
plus, I ignored my better judgment.
Knowingly, I screwed up over and over again. I ate a lot of doughnuts, a lot of ice-cream,
burgers and fries, and three orders of Olive Garden's Chicken Parmesan with
Fettuccine Alfredo. That five pound
increase that I was devastated over on Friday morning is now much more.
My first inclination
was to hide my shame and stay away from
this blog. Like I have done many times
before, I thought I would disappear for a while. The problem with that is then I would not
have the accountability that I need.
when I am in hiding, then only I know whether I am continuing to stuff
my face or if I am on the right track.
When I am in hiding it is too easy to continue making bad decisions day
after day while repeating the 'I will do better and start fresh tomorrow'
cycle.
Needing to end this
self-destructive behavior, I am not sticking my head in the sand. I'm here with all my flaws and mistakes
exposed. I've weighed over 300 lbs for
sixteen years and over 360 lbs for at least six years. I have had many weekends that were similar
to this past one. Yesterday morning I
weighed 390 lbs and that was only two days in to my three day food fest. I was too afraid to face the scale this
morning and won't do so again until at least next Sunday. I have gained in three days most if not all what I had lost in three weeks. I'm not expecting to lose all that I have
regained in just one week, or two for that matter, but I hope to make some
progress.
Today, I will return
to tracking my calories and making better choices. I wish I could say that I will never have a
weekend like this again, but I'm not yet sure how to stop myself. I will spend some time reflecting on the
decisions that I have made and keep trying to improve.
Until the true pain of what has happened is more of a deterrent than the taste of those foods are...nothing will change. This is a journey though, and you need to keep believing in the process. You also need to 'go within' and really analyze why you kept falling down the rabbit hole, instead of drawing a line in the sand for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW you can do this. Remember, it's a process. You are a step back on a 'two steps forward, one step back' process.
Good for you for not giving up or hiding!
Your first statement is very true Gwen. Not only do I need to figure out why I do the things I do, I need to learn how to stop after one bad decision rather than piling on. I will never give up though.
DeleteI know this feeling, having a bad weigh-in and letting the bad behaviour take over. I'm not going to say it gets easier, because really, that's a lie we tell ourselves. All I can say is keep trying and hopefully, instead of making that decision every time, you'll only make it 10% of the time.
ReplyDeleteJust saw you followed my blog and I always follow back! :)
Thanks Shannon. Only screwing up 10% of the time might be a manageable occurrence. I will keep up the fight in an effort to not repeat this behavior.
DeleteOh and I also think we both should never do mid-week weigh ins... Too dangerous for us!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on that Sonya. I tend to check with the scale too often and as this weekend shows, I am prone to let it's results affect me. Once a week or less is what I need to aim for.
DeleteSorry the scale got the better of you, but you know what? The weekend is in the past and you can only look to today and the future. I am so happy you didn't drop out from blogosphere for a month - dust yourself off, we are here for you and you inspire me to get back at it myself.
ReplyDeleteHUGS!
You're right Biz, nothing I can do about it now, it's in the past. Well, maybe learn from it, I hope. Today, I am eating less and tracking everything. Good luck with your workouts this week.
DeleteWeight piles on soooo much faster than it comes off - I hope you can get back on track and feel good!
ReplyDeleteThat's so true Jeanette, as I have found time and time again. Today is a better day. Thank you for the support.
DeleteI've just had a binge weekend too and it's so hard to get back on track. Turning to food to ease the pain of being overweight ... it's crazy isn't it but we've all been there. Keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you had a hard weekend too Natalie. Hope you're feeling better from the stomach flu. Yes, let's both keep fighting. Thanks!
DeleteI have had the same reaction to the scale...I understand. It is hard. I have gone on three day binges myself, and I pull myself back together and march on. A few weeks later, I might binge again. I seem to have to relearn every time that the food only makes me feel worse. The only improvements I have made is that my binges have gotten less frequent and shorter in duration. I will never have a perfect relationship with food. I will try to manage it and treat myself with kindness. I have seen a counselor for years, and it really helped me to develop better coping mechanisms.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for putting it all out there. No hiding, and no denial. You have admitted to all that you ate, and guess what? We are all still pulling for you. Perfect eating isn't the goal.. Good choices most of the time will do. Forgive yourself and march on!
Thank you Kaki, I REALLY appreciate your support. Less frequent and shorter duration, sounds like a win to me. I will be aiming for that same goal. I will really need to fight myself the next time this happens, to stop way earlier. There is no reason, one careless day needs to last two or three more.
DeleteWe all make mistakes but you held yourself accountable. Now move forward and go from today. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteRaine, thank you for stopping by and the words of encouragement. I can tell you that they really do make me want to try even harder. Yesterday was a better day and today was on the right track. I plan to finish strong this week.
DeleteI feel for you. That scale can have such an impact on attitude and behavior - and not always for the good, which is why I gave up weighing myself three years ago. I know you want validation when you are eating right, but what about not stepping on the scale for several months, just counting calories, eating right most of the time, and going by how loose your clothes are getting? Hang in there - you'll get to where you want to be, I just know it. :)
ReplyDeleteShelley you are doing so well these last six weeks, you are an example that it can be done. Not stepping on the scale for that length of time is probably unlikely at this time for me. I would go nuts for sure. However, if I continue to have such bad reactions with costly mistakes, I may give it a try after all.
DeleteHi - it's so hard to keep doing this, isn't it? I've been in the same predicament. Weighing and 'hoping' for something that I really know is not going to be. I think subconsciously I know what will happen and I'm looking for an excuse (in my mind) to eat. In the end - there's no good excuse! Keep looking forward and know that you know what to do. You lost 12 pounds in 16 days! You know what works! I also want to say that one meal in a restaurant on a Wednesday night can definitely cause a 5# weight gain on Friday - just from the sodium alone! It's all loaded with sodium - even the items we may think are OK are still overloaded with salt. That will always add pounds instantly. Be good to yourself and stay out of restaurants as much as possible. I know it's hard - I love to eat out! But in the end, it's not really good for us on many levels - health, cost, and it hurts us mentally because we beat ourselves up afterward. Peace.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been dining out more than eating at home for years. It will be hard to make the change to cooking, especially since I haven't been cooking for years. In order to make a healthier life, we need to though. We will. Thank you.
DeleteFirst off, you are human, so forgive yourself first and foremost. Dust yourself off and get right back to it. There is no shame in backsliding. It's part of the process. How you handle it moving forward is the difference between keeping going and just giving up.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right Lori! The longer I sit and stew only prolongs my situation and prevents me from that oh-so-much-better move forward. Thanks for the support.
DeleteI'm visiting from Biz's blog. I happened to see this quote at the end of an email I received today and it made me think of what you are going through. "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new." Socrates
ReplyDeleteNo one is perfect. Try to be gentle on yourself. What's done is done! One step at a time, just keep moving forward. Small changes amount to lasting lifestyle changes.
That's a great quote and one that I shall remember as I try to do the same. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.
DeleteI can relate to what happened. Don't beat yourself up, refocus and get back to work!
ReplyDeleteThanks Alati. I'm disappointed in myself, but moving on. I wallowed in my misery for three days, which was too long itself. Moving forward now.
DeleteI've been there too - actually there now in fact - and I totally get it. It would be easy to hide or gloss over - especially as a blogger, but congrats to you for owning it and sharing with us.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kris, I hope you can find your way too. Keep doing the best you can!
DeleteThe blogname sounded familiar and we have read each others blog in the past. Through Biz I came back to take a look.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing you did from this bad weekend is keep your head on and move on and didn't hide and that's a victory!
You will get there but it takes time.
Thanks for stopping by again Fran and yes your advice is the best medicine to follow.
DeleteI just suffered the heartbreak of coming across an old photo album while rearranging son's room for repainting... Ancient History from '86 when I was 22 yrs old & SLENDER! (Started to type "thin" but I was never skinny - of course back then I was under the mistaken impression that I needed to lose 20 lbs!)
ReplyDeleteOrdinarily this would trigger a "to-hell-with-it-all" overeating scene, but for me it was a great NSV (non-scale victory) that I stayed on track... Ya gotta just take it one day, even one HOUR at a time my friend!
I know I'll never be 22 again, but I can see what my mature phenotype may be in that weight range...
Thanks Val! Aah yes, I have the same history. I thought I was so big in school. How I wouldn't love to weight 145 pounds again. Way to go for not letting that memory haunt you and cause you to make bad choices.
DeleteAlso meant to send ya this link to a friend's blog who has enjoyed spectacular success after WLS:
ReplyDeletehttp://kcsarahparrott.blogspot.com/2014/07/proof-of-progress_7.html#comment-form
And of course there are many (such as Sean & Gwen) who have succeeded w/out surgery...I hope to soon include myself amongst 'em!
Best wishes, Val
I've been there before, it's never fun, but you have to accept the failure and pick yourself back up! Keep going.
ReplyDeleteFogDog's Weight Loss - Starting Over (Again!)
Thanks FD, that's what I'm trying to do this week. I want to just let the disappointment go and do the right things and make the healthier choices.
DeleteWow ......what a lovely lot of comments. We are all on your side but as ever it is YOU who has to stick to plan. PLEASE do so you are SO WORTH IT.
ReplyDeleteAll the best Jan
Thanks Jan, I really appreciate the comment and support.
ReplyDelete