Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking forward to 2014

In the last few days of this year I have taken time to reflect on 2013.  I won’t say that it was a bust, because I love every day that I can smile and laugh with family.  In regards to weight loss however, 2013 was not my year. I am ending this year with my weight being very close to what it was at the beginning of the year.  After a couple of heavy food days last week, I was worried that I might top my all-time high.  Fortunately, I did not and as of Sunday weigh 391 pounds.  While I didn’t reach a new high, the number is still horribly gross and incredibly unhealthy.  I am determined to make great progress in 2014 with not only my weight loss but reducing my blood sugar levels as well.

Since my last post, I have started taking insulin injections.  My doctor did not reduce any of my oral medications and prescribed one night-time dose of Lantus (insulin).  Her instructions were to start with 10 units and repeat for three days. If after the third night, my morning blood sugar reading was not below 120, I was to increase the units of Lantus by 2 and continue increasing after every third day.  Without changing my eating habits, my dose is now 32 units and still climbing.  This is why my main focus of 2014 will be weight loss and managing my diabetes better. 

My weight has been holding me back for years and never more so than in 2013.  Over the last decade, I have slowly changed my habits and have reduced if not eliminated doing most of the things I used to enjoy.  For example, before I was married I would see every new movie release in the theater.  My husband was just as big as a movie buff as me.  When we started dating we were going to movies three or more times a week.  While he has went to several this year, I don’t think I stepped foot in a movie theater in 2013.  Why not?  Mostly, because I feel gross and do not want to be seen.  I feel like my size is a magnet for people’s attention and judging.  Which is fine, they have the right and I have the right to live my life and be in public.  I don’t have any feelings that I don’t deserve to do things or be in public, I just can hardly stand feeling that people look at me and think I am disgusting.  Sometimes, I don’t even feel comfortable driving around in my car in daylight.  I guess maybe the feeling I am trying to describe is shame.  I am ashamed of my weight and the first and most often only impression of me that it gives.  Because of this feeling, I don’t like leaving the house for much.  My husband does the shopping.  I go to work, one certain restaurant or to appointments.  Other than that, I avoid public places.  Because of my weight and the feelings I just described, I was the Grinch that stole Christmas this year.  I didn’t feel like traveling home to Idaho and sitting around like a big blob.  Sure, they’re family and they love me, but I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin this season.  Everything is more difficult away from home.  My mom was very upset, threatened to cancel Christmas, etc.  In the end, the family had a good time and my husband and I enjoyed a quieter holiday.  Still, next year has to be different.  I must start losing weight and taking back my life, before I have none.

Later this afternoon we have a small party at my sister’s.  I don’t really want to go, but one of her friend’s has some family in town that they want us to meet.  It should be a nice time and I will get to finish the year playing with my nephew one more time.  Tomorrow, my diet will change. 

May you all have a safe but fun New Year’s Eve.  Best wishes for a Happy New Year!