When a blogger goes silent for days or weeks at a time it often means they are off track. This is true for me. My eating has been out of control over the last two weeks and I am now at my all-time highest weight. I am embarrassed and mostly ashamed. Yesterday morning I weighed 391 pounds. That is too damn close to 400 lbs, a weight I promised myself I would never reach. You know, after I promised that I wouldn't reach 300 lbs, right before I promised I wouldn't let myself get to 200 lbs.
391 pounds hurts…everywhere. I feel swollen all over from my bulging belly, puffy fingers, knees, twice-their-size ankles and feet. My lower back and knees hurt the most, especially the left knee. Basically, I am one big fat hot mess.
I’m stuck in a rut. The same rut that I have been unable to crawl out of for decades. Maybe I have been waiting for someone to throw me a rope and help me climb out. I know it doesn’t work that way. No one can lose the weight for me, but me. I know this, really I do. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to motivate myself enough to eat right and lose weight. Some might say that I don’t want to lose weight or that I am not ready to make the hard choices it takes to lose weight. All of this may or may not matter, but my concentration should not be on trying to figure it out. That’s not to say that I won’t have a few posts coming where I discuss some of my perceived roadblocks. My focus should be on moving forward. My focus should be on moving forward. My focus should be on moving forward. I sound like a broken record.
I’ve said all this before. I’ve said that I won’t quit and I’ll never give up. Talk is cheap. No one likes to keep hearing/reading the same excuses and promises time after time and that’s what I feel like I am dishing out. Arrrgh. Even, I am tired of hearing this crap. So that’s enough about that. I wanted to explain why I haven’t been blogging. I’ve been gaining weight instead of losing and didn’t feel like I had anything worthwhile to share, but I have been reading and commenting here and there.
While I doubt that I will start posting daily, I will be around more than I have been. Whether they are good, bad or really ugly, I will post my weekly weigh-ins. 391 pounds is the top and where I stop gaining. It has to be.
So that’s where I am right now. Better news next time.